{"id":2081,"date":"2025-08-17T02:21:42","date_gmt":"2025-08-17T09:21:42","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp.c9h.org\/cj\/?p=2081"},"modified":"2025-08-17T02:21:43","modified_gmt":"2025-08-17T09:21:43","slug":"the-very-model-of-a-patriot-online","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp.c9h.org\/cj\/?p=2081","title":{"rendered":"The Very Model of a Patriot Online"},"content":{"rendered":"

It appears that the fragile masculinity tech evangelists have identified Debian as a community with boundaries which exclude them from abusing its members and they’re so angry about it! In response to posts such as this<\/a>, and inspired by Dr. Conway’s piece<\/a>, I’ve composed a poem which, hopefully, correctly addresses the feelings of that crowd.<\/p>\n\n

The Very Model of a Patriot Online<\/h3>\n
\nI am the very model of a modern patriot online,\nMy keyboard is my rifle and my noble cause is so divine.\nI didn't learn my knowledge in a dusty college lecture hall,\nBut from the chans where bitter anonymity enthralls us all.\nI spend a dozen hours every day upon my sacred quest,\nTo put the globo-homo narrative completely to the test.\nMy arguments are peer-reviewed by fellas in the comments section,\nWhich proves my every thesis is the model of complete perfection.\nI\u2019m steeped in righteous anger that the libs call 'white fragility,'\nFor mocking their new pronouns and their lack of masculinity.\nI\u2019m master of the epic troll, the comeback, and the searing snark,\nA digital guerrilla who is fighting battles in the dark.\n\nI know the secret symbols and the dog-whistles historical,\nFrom Pepe the Frog to \u2018Let\u2019s Go Brandon,\u2019 in order categorical;\nIn short, for fighting culture wars with rhetoric rhetorical,\nI am the very model of a patriot polemical.\n\n***\n\nI stand for true expression, for the comics and the edgy clown,\nWhose satire is too based for all the fragile folks in town.\nThey say my speech is 'violence' while my spirit they are trampling,\nThe way they try to silence me is really quite a startling sampling\nOf 1984, which I've not read but thoroughly understand,\nIs all about the tyranny that's gripping this once-blessed land.\nMy humor is a weapon, it\u2019s a razor-bladed, sharp critique,\n(Though sensitive elites will call my masterpiece a form of \u2018hate speech\u2019).\nThey cannot comprehend my need for freedom from all consequence,\nThey call it 'hate,' I call it 'jokes,' they just don't have a lick of sense.\nSo when they call me \u2018bigot\u2019 for the spicy memes I post pro bono,\nI tell them their<\/b> the ones who're cancelled, I'm the victim here, you know!\n\nThen I can write a screed against the globalist cabal, you see,\nAnd tell you every detail of their vile conspiracy.\nIn short, when I use logic that is flexible and personal,\nI am the very model of a patriot controversial.\n\n***\n\nI'm very well acquainted with the scientific method, too,\nIt's watching lengthy YouTube vids until my face is turning blue.\nI trust the heartfelt testimony of a tearful, blonde ex-nurse,\nBut what a paid fact-checker says has no effect and is perverse.\nA PhD is proof that you've been brainwashed by the leftist mob,\nWhile my own research on a meme is how I really do my job.\nI know that masks will suffocate and vaccines are a devil's brew,\nI learned it from a podcast host who used to sell brain-boosting goo.\nHe scorns the lamestream media, the CNNs and all the rest,\nWhose biased reporting I've put fully to a rigorous test\nBy only reading headlines and confirming what I already knew,\nThen posting my analysis for other patriots to view.\n\nWith every \"study\" that they cite from sources I can't stand to hear,\nMy own profound conclusions become ever more precisely clear.\nIn short, when I've debunked the experts with a confident \"Says who?!\",\nI am the very model of a researcher who sees right through you.\n\n***\n\nBut all these culture wars are just a sleight-of-hand, a clever feint,\nTo hide the stolen ballots and to cover up the moral taint\nOf D.C. pizza parlors and of shipping crates from Wayfair, it\u2019s true,\nIt's all connected in a plot against the likes of me and you!\nI've analyzed the satellite photography and watermarks,\nI understand the secret drops, the cryptic Qs, the coded sparks.\nThe \u201chabbening\u201d is coming, friends, just give it two more weeks or three,\nWhen all the traitors face the trials for their wicked treachery.\nThey say that nothing happened and the dates have all gone past, you see,\nBut that's just disinformation from the globalist enemy!\nTheir moving goalposts constantly, a tactic that is plain to see,\nTo wear us down and make us doubt the coming, final victory!\n\nMy mind can see the patterns that a simple sheep could never find,\nThe hidden puppet-masters who are poisoning our heart and mind.\nIn short, when I link drag queens to the price of gas and child-trafficking,\nI am the very model of a patriot whose brain is quickening!\n\n***\n\nMy pickup truck's a testament to everything that I hold dear,\nWith vinyl decals saying things the liberals all hate and fear.\nThe Gadsden flag is waving next to one that's blue and starkly thin,\nTo show my deep respect for law, except the feds who're steeped in sin.\nThere's Punisher and Molon Labe, so that everybody knows\nI'm not someone to trifle with when push to final shoving goes.\nI've got my tactical assault gear sitting ready in the den,\nAwaiting for the signal to restore our land with my fellow men.\nI practice clearing rooms at home when my mom goes out to the store,\nA modern Minuteman who's ready for a civil war.\nThe neighbors give me funny looks, I see them whisper and take note,\nThey'll see what's what when I'm the one who's guarding checkpoints by their throat.\n\nI am a peaceful man, of course, but I am also pre-prepared,\nTo neutralize the threats of which the average citizen's unscared.\nIn short, when my whole identity's a brand of tactical accessory,\nYou'll say a better warrior has never graced a Cabela's registry.\n\n***\n\nThey say I have to tolerate a man who thinks he is a dame,\nWhile feminists and immigrants are putting out my vital flame!\nThere taking all the jobs from us and giving them to folks who kneel,\nAnd \"woke HR\" says my best jokes are things I'm not allowed to feel!\nAn Alpha Male is what I am, a lion, though I'm in this cubicle,\nMy life's frustrations can be traced to policies Talmudical.\nThey lecture me on privilege, I, who have to pay my bills and rent!\nWhile they give handouts to the lazy, worthless, and incompetent!\nMy grandad fought the Nazis! Now I have to press a key for \u2018one\u2019\nTo get a call-rep I can't understand beneath the blazing sun\nOf global, corporate tyranny that's crushing out the very soul\nOf men like me, who've lost their rightful, natural, and just control!\n\nSo yes, I am resentful! And I'm angry! And I'm right to be!\nThey've stolen all my heritage and my masculinity!\nIn short, when my own failures are somebody else's evil plot,\nI am the very model of the truest patriot we've got!\n\n***\n\nThere putting chips inside of you! Their spraying things up in the sky!\nThey want to make you EAT THE BUGS and watch your very spirit die!\nThe towers for the 5G are a mind-control delivery tool!\nTo keep you docile while the children suffer in a grooming school!\nThe WEF, and Gates, and Soros have a plan they call the 'Great Reset,'\nYou'll own no property and you'll be happy, or you'll be in debt\nTo social credit overlords who'll track your every single deed!\nThere sterilizing you with plastics that they've hidden in the feed!\nThe world is flat! The moon is fake! The dinosaurs were just a lie!\nAnd every major tragedy's a hoax with actors paid to cry!\nI'M NOT INSANE! I SEE THE TRUTH! MY EYES ARE OPEN! CAN'T YOU SEE?!\nYOU'RE ALL ASLEEP! YOU'RE COWARDS! YOU'RE AFRAID OF BEING TRULY FREE!\n\nMy heart is beating faster now, my breath is short, my vision's blurred,\nFrom all the shocking truth that's in each single, solitary word!\nI've sacrificed my life and friends to bring this message to the light, so...\nYou'd better listen to me now with all your concentrated might, ho!\n\n***\n\nFor my heroic struggle, though it's cosmic and it's biblical,\nIs waged inside the comments of a post that's algorithm-ical.\nAnd still for all my knowledge that's both tactical and practical,\nMy mom just wants the rent I owe and says I'm being dramatical.\n<\/pre>\n\n
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It appears that the fragile masculinity tech evangelists have identified Debian as a community with boundaries which exclude them from abusing its members and they’re so angry about it! In response to posts such as this, and inspired by Dr. Conway’s piece, I’ve composed a poem which, hopefully, correctly addresses the feelings of that crowd. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[135,17,47,63,136],"tags":[280],"class_list":["post-2081","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-conservatism","category-debian","category-linux","category-politics","category-theology","tag-debian"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1YDIB-xz","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp.c9h.org\/cj\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2081","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp.c9h.org\/cj\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp.c9h.org\/cj\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp.c9h.org\/cj\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp.c9h.org\/cj\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2081"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/wp.c9h.org\/cj\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2081\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2083,"href":"https:\/\/wp.c9h.org\/cj\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2081\/revisions\/2083"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp.c9h.org\/cj\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2081"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp.c9h.org\/cj\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2081"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp.c9h.org\/cj\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2081"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}