It appears that the fragile masculinity tech evangelists have identified Debian as a community with boundaries which exclude them from abusing its members and they’re so angry about it! In response to posts such as this, and inspired by Dr. Conway’s piece, I’ve composed a poem which, hopefully, correctly addresses the feelings of that crowd.

The Very Model of a Patriot Online

I am the very model of a modern patriot online,
My keyboard is my rifle and my noble cause is so divine.
I didn't learn my knowledge in a dusty college lecture hall,
But from the chans where bitter anonymity enthralls us all.
I spend a dozen hours every day upon my sacred quest,
To put the globo-homo narrative completely to the test.
My arguments are peer-reviewed by fellas in the comments section,
Which proves my every thesis is the model of complete perfection.
I’m steeped in righteous anger that the libs call 'white fragility,'
For mocking their new pronouns and their lack of masculinity.
I’m master of the epic troll, the comeback, and the searing snark,
A digital guerrilla who is fighting battles in the dark.

I know the secret symbols and the dog-whistles historical,
From Pepe the Frog to ‘Let’s Go Brandon,’ in order categorical;
In short, for fighting culture wars with rhetoric rhetorical,
I am the very model of a patriot polemical.

***

I stand for true expression, for the comics and the edgy clown,
Whose satire is too based for all the fragile folks in town.
They say my speech is 'violence' while my spirit they are trampling,
The way they try to silence me is really quite a startling sampling
Of 1984, which I've not read but thoroughly understand,
Is all about the tyranny that's gripping this once-blessed land.
My humor is a weapon, it’s a razor-bladed, sharp critique,
(Though sensitive elites will call my masterpiece a form of ‘hate speech’).
They cannot comprehend my need for freedom from all consequence,
They call it 'hate,' I call it 'jokes,' they just don't have a lick of sense.
So when they call me ‘bigot’ for the spicy memes I post pro bono,
I tell them their the ones who're cancelled, I'm the victim here, you know!

Then I can write a screed against the globalist cabal, you see,
And tell you every detail of their vile conspiracy.
In short, when I use logic that is flexible and personal,
I am the very model of a patriot controversial.

***

I'm very well acquainted with the scientific method, too,
It's watching lengthy YouTube vids until my face is turning blue.
I trust the heartfelt testimony of a tearful, blonde ex-nurse,
But what a paid fact-checker says has no effect and is perverse.
A PhD is proof that you've been brainwashed by the leftist mob,
While my own research on a meme is how I really do my job.
I know that masks will suffocate and vaccines are a devil's brew,
I learned it from a podcast host who used to sell brain-boosting goo.
He scorns the lamestream media, the CNNs and all the rest,
Whose biased reporting I've put fully to a rigorous test
By only reading headlines and confirming what I already knew,
Then posting my analysis for other patriots to view.

With every "study" that they cite from sources I can't stand to hear,
My own profound conclusions become ever more precisely clear.
In short, when I've debunked the experts with a confident "Says who?!",
I am the very model of a researcher who sees right through you.

***

But all these culture wars are just a sleight-of-hand, a clever feint,
To hide the stolen ballots and to cover up the moral taint
Of D.C. pizza parlors and of shipping crates from Wayfair, it’s true,
It's all connected in a plot against the likes of me and you!
I've analyzed the satellite photography and watermarks,
I understand the secret drops, the cryptic Qs, the coded sparks.
The “habbening” is coming, friends, just give it two more weeks or three,
When all the traitors face the trials for their wicked treachery.
They say that nothing happened and the dates have all gone past, you see,
But that's just disinformation from the globalist enemy!
Their moving goalposts constantly, a tactic that is plain to see,
To wear us down and make us doubt the coming, final victory!

My mind can see the patterns that a simple sheep could never find,
The hidden puppet-masters who are poisoning our heart and mind.
In short, when I link drag queens to the price of gas and child-trafficking,
I am the very model of a patriot whose brain is quickening!

***

My pickup truck's a testament to everything that I hold dear,
With vinyl decals saying things the liberals all hate and fear.
The Gadsden flag is waving next to one that's blue and starkly thin,
To show my deep respect for law, except the feds who're steeped in sin.
There's Punisher and Molon Labe, so that everybody knows
I'm not someone to trifle with when push to final shoving goes.
I've got my tactical assault gear sitting ready in the den,
Awaiting for the signal to restore our land with my fellow men.
I practice clearing rooms at home when my mom goes out to the store,
A modern Minuteman who's ready for a civil war.
The neighbors give me funny looks, I see them whisper and take note,
They'll see what's what when I'm the one who's guarding checkpoints by their throat.

I am a peaceful man, of course, but I am also pre-prepared,
To neutralize the threats of which the average citizen's unscared.
In short, when my whole identity's a brand of tactical accessory,
You'll say a better warrior has never graced a Cabela's registry.

***

They say I have to tolerate a man who thinks he is a dame,
While feminists and immigrants are putting out my vital flame!
There taking all the jobs from us and giving them to folks who kneel,
And "woke HR" says my best jokes are things I'm not allowed to feel!
An Alpha Male is what I am, a lion, though I'm in this cubicle,
My life's frustrations can be traced to policies Talmudical.
They lecture me on privilege, I, who have to pay my bills and rent!
While they give handouts to the lazy, worthless, and incompetent!
My grandad fought the Nazis! Now I have to press a key for ‘one’
To get a call-rep I can't understand beneath the blazing sun
Of global, corporate tyranny that's crushing out the very soul
Of men like me, who've lost their rightful, natural, and just control!

So yes, I am resentful! And I'm angry! And I'm right to be!
They've stolen all my heritage and my masculinity!
In short, when my own failures are somebody else's evil plot,
I am the very model of the truest patriot we've got!

***

There putting chips inside of you! Their spraying things up in the sky!
They want to make you EAT THE BUGS and watch your very spirit die!
The towers for the 5G are a mind-control delivery tool!
To keep you docile while the children suffer in a grooming school!
The WEF, and Gates, and Soros have a plan they call the 'Great Reset,'
You'll own no property and you'll be happy, or you'll be in debt
To social credit overlords who'll track your every single deed!
There sterilizing you with plastics that they've hidden in the feed!
The world is flat! The moon is fake! The dinosaurs were just a lie!
And every major tragedy's a hoax with actors paid to cry!
I'M NOT INSANE! I SEE THE TRUTH! MY EYES ARE OPEN! CAN'T YOU SEE?!
YOU'RE ALL ASLEEP! YOU'RE COWARDS! YOU'RE AFRAID OF BEING TRULY FREE!

My heart is beating faster now, my breath is short, my vision's blurred,
From all the shocking truth that's in each single, solitary word!
I've sacrificed my life and friends to bring this message to the light, so...
You'd better listen to me now with all your concentrated might, ho!

***

For my heroic struggle, though it's cosmic and it's biblical,
Is waged inside the comments of a post that's algorithm-ical.
And still for all my knowledge that's both tactical and practical,
My mom just wants the rent I owe and says I'm being dramatical.